Blogs

Nice is defined

Nice is a description of a situation, person or object that is a catch-all-word. Nice is defined as being agreeable, pleasant, satisfaction, and pleasing. 

It originated between 1250–1300 ADE. In Middle English, it meant foolish or stupid. In Old French it meant silly or simple, and it was defined in Latin as ignorant or incapable. ‘Nice’ has certainly gone through an evolution of understanding… or has it really?

You may hear or say these examples:

1. She has such a nice body.
2. I only want to be friends with nice people.
3. You might want to date this nice man I work with.
4. That’s a nice home that you have.
5. Let’s see how nice you can be with your little sister.
6. What a nice gesture for the CEO to do for the employees.
7. That was not a nice remark.
8. She’s nice when it suits her needs.
9. We were taught to be nice to people of other ethnic races.
10. He used to be nice, but now he’s wealthy.

Nowhere does ‘nice’ indicate that there is any depth in using this word. It’s a surface adjective, verb, or noun. It is highly misunderstood in how to respond to another or what it really means in the brevity it can often be communicated. 

One of the reasons that I’m writing about this word is I so often hear my clients or acquaintances tell me about ‘nice’ connections or situations on a weekly basis. And my ears perk up. I want to know more. People or situations who are ‘nice’ can have a great deal more characteristics as part of the way others respond to them or they want to be responded to. 

Nice is not a virtue

Nice is not a virtue. ‘Nice’ can more often lack the attributes or virtues of being genuine, real, authentic, safe, trustworthy, kind, creative, caring, unique, honest, or having integrity, yet people seem to assume that it would include these qualities. Nice may not be a safe word to be described as having or being, like in example #1.

Nice’ is not the word ‘kind’. Feel into the word ‘kind’ which is a virtue, and feel into ‘nice. Many of the statements I listed could have had ‘kind’, ‘caring’ or ‘fun’ in replacing ‘nice’ if they were true for the person. This explains why it’s important to really feel into what we define or identify, so our communication is clearer, more descriptive of the truth of what we’re saying. 

To me, ‘kind’ has a power that feels trusting, grounded, and present. ‘Nice’ feels shallow with little substance, like smoke that goes ‘poof’. It can change with a breath. I mean, narcissists can act ‘nice’ at first. So can psychopaths. I doubt that you’d hear they were ever kind or trustworthy.

Emotional expectations

As I listen into and under people’s stories during work or out in the world, what I really hear is a lack of awareness of what is truly being set up in the connection with the other. There is a great deal of what isn’t being said and a naiveté of what the connection is really about with it ‘being nice’. Emotional expectations can occur but rarely expressed until something happens. 

These can be about thinking that whom or whatever is ‘nice’ will stay that way, as in being agreeable, pleasant, satisfying or pleasing, and thus living out the days this way. This can often set things up as co-dependent situations or interactions. When others have emotional expectations of the ‘nice’ person, situation or object, resentment can appear when the ‘nice’ doesn’t show up that way. (Example # 5)

Attempting to be a people-pleaser

This would be true if ‘nice’ were attempting to be a people-pleaser. The ‘nice’ acts in ways that appear agreeable or satisfying to others, but their inner motivation or experience might not match. There is really an adjusting outside themselves to what they think others’ expect them to be, or attempting to get others not to see what is really going on for them. They want people to see a surface persona. This can be both deceptive and an unclarity of intent.

Consider that if the action of ‘nice’ changes from whatever ‘nice’ is being defined as or expected, then the identity of the person could likely change with it to unfavorable (like in examples #7 and #9) And that identity piece is used in judgment against the ‘nice’ situation or person. (#2 and #8) 

True story at a social event

I took a seat where there were seven other people around a circular table talking. It was at a social event where I was sitting next to a person who is considered ‘nice’ (and kind) by many. There was a conversation that ensued that didn’t involve us. Another had attempted to instigate a political view that was blatantly intolerant. He had actually said that no one had better disagree with him, or they should just leave the table.

He then starred at the ‘nice’ person, though she had made no comment or facial expression to provoke his glare. It was an intimidation tactic. 

Responding in a surprised and slightly nervous tone, she said that she had ‘no opinion and knew nothing about the situation’. Considering the nature of topic and the projecting person’s comment, it would be difficult not to have any knowledge or feelings about what was said. 

Her response was ‘nice’, safe, and non-engaging, but I didn’t feel the realness of it in lieu of the presenting situation. 

His intense glare continued around the table at others as if to dare those who might disagree with him. In that moment, no one said a thing and remained seated.

I watched, and then stood up, looked at the ‘nice’ person, and said, “This energy doesn’t work for me,” and left the area. I had no qualms about taking action that felt aligned for who I am. I didn’t feel intimidated by him at all. I knew his misaligned energy was being used to bully others into submission.

With that, I had a choice to either engage further or disengage. I took the opportunity to physically disengage since that was really my response in disagreeing. I walked into another room and though I saw him later, I stayed away. Being around him was not how I wanted to be present at this event.

Difficult to be genuine

To stay ‘nice’, can sometimes mean that one’s boundaries, needs, and true feelings go out the window. This can come from a fear of exposing what is really going on, or how the situation needs to be approached or dealt with authentically. Thus, ‘nice’ would find it difficult to be genuine. Keeping the label of ‘nice’ holds a favorable status before others as well as a way to be classified as accommodating. 

I realize that this may be an uncommon angle to clarify a widely used word. The way we use our language, though, is very important. It can create safety, sovereignty, and power. It is a vibration. Whether in being a healer, a media presenter, or a friend, being mindful of this helps all of us in listening more carefully and with depth under what is being presented and to use discernment. It supports us to ask the questions to hear the real truth, authenticity, or integrity in our associations and in our environments.

In support of using genuine virtues in communication,

Judy

For more on emotional denial patterns and the word, ‘nice’, check out Book 3, Chapter 18 of Moving Beyond Revised. https://www.themovingbeyondtraumaproject.org/store/The-Moving-Beyond-Revised-Book-3-p705810112