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Are You Whole?

The ‘we’ 

Once upon a time, in a far-off land of the Inner World, there was a me who lived with the ‘we’, a tribe of multiple others. The tribe called themselves ‘associates’ so that they could feel they were professional and would be respected for all they understood.  

Through a 9-month birthing process that Creator moved me through, my 27 parts and many fragments integrated and fused in 1995. For years, people who knew me were aware of this, but I stopped speaking about it in 2006.  Prior, I had been very public sharing before in therapist groups, survivor support conferences, on TV, and radio. 

I had closed my publishing company in wanting to move on in a new direction. In 1998, the book’s other co-editor/writer and I along with 6 other women, had all contributed to a compilation of stories about the journey of healing DID, called ‘Multiple Journeys to One: Spiritual Stories of Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder’. Through various interactions, we were drawn to different pathways in life. 

Singleton

I didn’t want to be identified as this label anymore in all that had occurred to create it. Others had seen it as some kind of stigma, and I wasn’t in the place to want to give it more attention. I wanted to know who I was as a ‘singleton’ as it was a rather new experience from being ‘so many’ parts navigating in one body. I wanted others to know me different than the parts who use to be my existence. I had already loved them into wholeness.

When my first book was initially published, I was emotionally vulnerable and a bit naïve. I had told people in my dance community about the book and showed it to them. This was a really big deal for me to have participated in writing and publishing it. Not surprisingly, there were some ‘interesting’ comments. 

One man told me he had parts, which I never knew. That was very vulnerable of the child part that presented himself. It made sense in how he acted out his trauma without realizing that he had any. It showed up in how he related to others.

Another man
Another man would attempt to subtly humiliate or bait me after having shown him the book and sharing a very little about my life as parts, since he asked me. I wondered if he wanted to feel better about himself,  whether he wanted me to think of myself as having a mental disorder, or that I shouldn’t really discuss it publicly. It was like covert shaming.

He would make snide remarks to me, like, “How do you like living with all those parts” as if I didn’t integrate, or it was some kind of game. Or, “Did those parts come back?” not understanding anything about the process, nor did he really want to until many years later in 2018.

That July, I saw him at a dance. He sat next to me to start a conversation by saying, “Are you still whole?”

I turned my head and looked at him very intensely, thinking, “What a way to greet someone”. With an inner clarity, I asked him, “Are you whole?”

He looked a bit startled that I would even think to ask him this. He said he thought he was. 

I then asked, “If you’re so whole, why would you ask a very vulnerable question to me like that out of the blue?” 

I continued, “What you might have asked me that showed care is, ‘What happened to you that this occurred for you?’” 

He was taken aback. It seemed he never thought that there was a cause. It was like a phenomenon that appears from an unknown source, and then doctors give it a big defining name.

I continued, “I can talk a little about what happened in the past, now that it’s all over the news and it’s become more legitimized with stories similar to mine. So do you want to know? Do you know what it means to hold something sacred with care in your heart? Is this possible for you?”

 He looked directly at me. “Yes, I want to know.”

“I was trafficked most of my childhood until a young adult.” His head lowered while his eyes turned downward.

He was silent for a moment, and then gently said with care, “That must have been very difficult”.

“Yes, it was more than very difficult.” I took a breath, a slight moment before I continued. 

“It’s way more than people can really understand.”

He got it. “I never knew this.” 

I felt very anchored in myself and in my truth. “What happened to me isn’t who I am, but it has affected every aspect of my life”.

I didn’t say anything else to him. I stood up and went back on the dance floor to enjoy my evening.

Education about ‘Mental Disorder Labels’ 

I think it’s very important that people stop seeing others with what the American Psychiatric Association describes as mental disorder labels and as societal misfits--‘pathologicalized’. Instead, there needs to be education, recognition of how creative coping mechanisms are used, and to be held sacred in how a child survives the unspeakable. 

Remembering what happened to me through the alter parts, at that time, de-structured the lies I was living in, and started to give me back my truth. I’ve continued that process of remembering without the individualized alter parts, using my somatic awareness and intuition through Creator. This is why no one can possibly take the truth away from me again.

I own my truth of history no matter what others think. People’s inability to grasp certain realities doesn’t lessen what I have lived through and the patterns of awareness that I have gained from healing. It only gives me more fortitude to share what occurs for millions throughout the world, thus writing my three healing trauma books. 

Being silenced, threatened, tortured, raped, and intentionally dissociated for 23 years of my life had its tolls. Yet, at another level, it pushed me forward with a depth of focus, perseverance, and self-love to uncover the secrets, and develop the many spiritual virtues through the healing that I never thought possible to recognize. It was more than anyone should have to endure or live through, but it was a testimony to the strength of the human soul and body to go through such an experience and come out transformed beyond imagination. 

Since we are all interconnected, my healing isn’t separate from how it affects others. It opens up the vastness of awareness and connection through All that IS. Each time someone enters and utilizes the steps necessary to heal, it affects us all.

For me, healing frees my brain neuro-connections from the heaviness that still filters out for conscious forgiveness that I employ each time the memories arise. It opens my abilities to be more available and continue to take responsibility in interactions that feel polarizing. 

I’m reminded, in having grandchildren, that I can play with my abilities, bringing back that innocence and wonder of what is possible. It’s all about self-love. It’s all about knowing that there is this energy of Love, All that IS. It’s about knowing, in every cell of my body, that this Love is ever present within me and each of us.

Creator of All wants us to be fully who we are and divinely meant to be. It’s what a conscious, spiritual life is about.

With deep care,
Judy

To understand more about Dissociative Identity disordering,

Book 3, Chapter 16 of Moving Beyond Revised, goes into a deep dive on the topic.