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Division

With the world going through so much division, speaking to some of the ways that cause this, helps us acknowledge the patterns and develop the skills needed to change ourselves.

Do you know what triangulation is? I’m not writing about what geologists use to determine finding an earthquake by using the location of two other points as indicators, or how spacecrafts can be located similarly.

Interpersonal Triangulations

Just to say that earthquakes do divide. But what I’m referring to is interpersonal triangulations.

It was getting close to the winter holidays in 2015. There must have been an energy of ‘the father, son and holy ghost’ triangle in the air, but my ‘holy ghost’ is more of an exclamation of my reaction about two situations where other people attempted to tell me things that really had no place for them to be involved…like ‘Holy Ghost’! This happened twice in one month. It definitely had my attention. 

I needed to step into defining what was actually occurring, separate the messenger from the message, use language that ‘wondered’ about the motives of others while stating my boundaries, requesting what I wanted differently in the future, and still, hopefully, maintain a relationship. I decided to trust that I would be heard, and the issues would be resolved.

Triangulations have a strategy where there is an attempt over those who might appear as rivals or competitors (could be in a family, friendships, neighbors, business etc.) to manipulate them into conflict (set-ups). Sometimes it’s about a third person getting two people who might have been rivals or purposely distant, to ‘like’ each other by means of manipulation and interference. It wouldn’t have been what the other two are even interested in having occurred. I’m not talking about matchmaking.

The later example isn’t as common in being defined as triangulation, but it still was. Lucky me! I needed to deal with both ways.

Friend

One attempted triangulation occurred when an old-time friend ran into my former spouse at a funeral, and out-of–the-blue, decided to tell him that I had implied to her that he was being an attentive and caring grandparent.  She then emailed me to share about the connection, and that he was surprised.

I guess so! I was surprised too… since it never happened! I was glad she was honest in telling me, but I think she expected me to appreciate her attempt to bring a warm, fuzzy feeling between us.

I didn’t really discuss my children’s father with others, nor the ways he might act in the role of grandparent with anyone. So I didn’t need her to attempt to alter or mitigate a connection between us.

What I did know was that there was something that must be going on for her to attempt to create this triangulation. I wrote her asking about her motives, and telling her how I felt. I supported her in keeping things focused on what was true for her in running into extensions of my family or friends, and how she feels without including me.

Gratefully, she took full responsibility for her part. I so appreciated her emotional vulnerability and personal accountability. She appreciated that I didn’t blame her, and allowed her to explain herself. The issue was resolved, and a certain level of trust was restored.

Neighbor

The other triangulation was a neighbor when I lived in California. He asked me if I was open to some unsolicited advice…a big red flag from the start. I allowed him to continue. Lesson learned…it wouldn’t happen again.

I honestly thought it was about my fence slanting slightly onto his property from a tree that had grown towards his yard. I had another neighbor cut it down. But no, this would have been easily rectified.

He instead wanted to tell me that it would “behoove me to be a better neighbor” towards another neighbor. I honestly didn’t know what he was talking about. He made the comment and just stared at me.

The pause was disconcerting. It was as if he was waiting for me to admit some public action that was clear to him, thus I must know too. And I sensed I was then expected to rectify this. He knew I was an intuitive, but we never discussed whether mind reading was an ability that I possessed.

We both knew that I basically stayed clear of this other neighbor as he had communicated in ways that I considered ageist, misogynist, provoking, alpha, and demeaning. He’s not someone who I’d want to be around more than 2 minutes, but I’ve always been respectful and polite.

In literally being the owner of my street at the time, I had a responsibility to maintain the road. Of the four neighbors, two used the road but paid no maintenance. He was one of them who paid nothing.

Three months prior, I hired a professional tree company to trim back three of the palms trees along the lane leaving one, which I felt was on that neighbor’s property, for him to deal with. I had also asked that same neighbor to remove the oil from the asphalt from one of his trucks leaking. He disagreed that it was from his trucks, though it was parked next to his house on my road. That was the end of that story…so I thought.

Somehow the neighbor, with the unsolicited advice, must have had a discussion with that other. Instead of supporting that man to discuss things with me, he took it upon himself to triangulate the situation, choosing to get in the middle of something where he had not been present, didn't know what was really going on, and taking on the perspectives of the other neighbor as truth.

I emailed him the next day as I felt unsettled. I apologized for listening to unsolicited advice as I set myself up for what then occurred. I wondered why he decided to take his position as the middleman in deciding to talk to me, and then warning me to be a better neighbor. It was as if there was eminent threat to my well being.

This neighbor and I had always gotten along.  It was him who told me many months prior, that his wife also felt the same way about the neighbor’s response to women.

I wondered if he understood the triangulation dynamics that happened, and that there were other ways to resolve this by supporting that other neighbor to come forth. I let him know that I appreciated him and his wife as neighbors, the exchange of garden produce, and his generosity and assistance in helping me as a relatively new neighbor then.

Two days later, he called to apologize. When I asked if he understood the dynamics, he said that he ‘shouldn’t have told me.’ 

Hmmm. ‘Shouldn’t’…as if he was under obligation.

I appreciated the acknowledgment and apology very much, but I don’t think he understood what had really occurred. In hearing his comment, I realized that he cared enough to make the connection with me, and that his level of awareness around the dynamics was that he might continue to listen to the other neighbor without supporting him to settle his own disagreements personally.

It showed me that we are at different places in life, and there still might be a continuation of talk behind my back. As long as there is just talk, then I’m fine with that. The level of relationship doesn’t need to require emotional intimacy, or to trust him to see his part.

I got that it wasn’t possible for these people to understand the dynamic fully. People can only be where they are in their unconscious state.

There was also the tone of his initial comment as some kind of threat from that other neighbor as if I had been forewarned, or I needed to address it. I may not have gotten my street’s leaves blown any longer, as that was his only contribution to the road maintenance he did. If that was the unspoken warning, no big deal since Mother Nature takes care of those things with her wind blowing through anyways.

What was important, though, was that I stayed with and trusted my awareness, assessed the situation in how to communicate my feelings, acted from there, and stayed in my power.

I feel this is possible for all of us in dealing with triangulations and deciding what level of relationship works for us. It leaves us in a place of feeling settled and connected in ourselves, and a place of openness with others. In a world in divide, these are important skills to use.

With possibilities and care,

Judy

The Moving Beyond Revised (healing trauma from childhood abuse) 3-book series covers Triangulations, Drama Triangle and other important trauma healing skill in Book 1. You can find it in a discounted PDF form at: https://www.themovingbeyondtraumaproject.org/store  or Amazon in paperback, hard cover or Kindle.